Big Questions, Short Answers with Sian Jaquet
(Feat, Andy's unsolicited advice.)
What are the things that make life, relationships, business and the big picture work?
Andy asks Sian, his wife, these big questions. And with a humorous, light-hearted touch, in 10-15 minutes they will discuss the things that really matter and find short answers to bring us all success and happiness.
Sian is a much sought-after international executive coach, board member and keynote speaker who promotes living and working a values-based life to gain happiness and success. Andy is her husband of 35 years, and the ying to her yang, So the conversation is honest, real and funny.
“I hope you'll be entertained. I hope you have a little smile. And I hope every now and again there will be a thought that you refilter in your head and think: Okay, that resonated.” - Sian Jaquet
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love
Big Questions, Short Answers with Sian Jaquet
Big Question | Is being a perfectionist serving you well? Ep29
Is perfectionism a double-edged sword in your life? In this episode, Sian and Andy explore the complex nature of perfectionism, from its invaluable role in critical fields like brain surgery to the unnecessary stress it creates in our daily routines. We delve into the root causes of perfectionism, dissecting how fear of judgment and the pursuit of an ideal environment can transform into a relentless drive, often leading to 'tippy toe' behaviour. By sharing personal anecdotes and examining the interplay between genetic factors, stress, and environmental influences, we uncover how perfectionism can sometimes do more harm than good, particularly when it imposes impossible standards on ourselves and others.
Looking for strategies to cope with perfectionism and foster personal growth? In the latter part of our conversation, we pivot towards actionable insights on self-improvement. We invite you to continue this journey with us in future episodes of "Big Questions. Short Answers." If today's discussion resonated with you, visit sianjaquet.com to submit your own questions and topics for upcoming shows. For those eager to dive deeper, check out Sian's course on values at sianjaquet.com to start building a life you truly love. Don't forget to subscribe, share with your friends, and thank you for tuning in!
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love.
www.sianjaquet.com
And we're going to get this one absolutely perfect. This is going to be the best one of all.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Big Questions. Short Answers. I'm Sian.
Speaker 1:And I'm Andy Sian's husband asking the big life questions.
Speaker 2:And possibly adding a little bit of unsolicited advice.
Speaker 1:Maybe this podcast is brought to you by San's value-based online course. Visit shanjackacom to find out more. Okay, the question of today is is being a perfectionist serving you well? I mean, obviously there's certain things where being a perfectionist is probably quite important, like being a brain surgeon. I think you wouldn't just want to go in there with a bit of oh, she'll be all right, but in terms of, we're not talking about that, but we're talking about just life in general. I think we all know some people.
Speaker 2:We've got a pattern here. Now, as we're doing more of these, I need to ask you what do you think a perfectionist is? Well, as a character, character, a personality type. We're not talking about exactly as you say. I'd like you to be a perfectionist if you're drawing, as an engineer, bridges and you're doing open heart surgery on a two-year-old. Yeah, I want you to be a perfectionist. I want you to stay in that most well. So what does it mean? What made you ask the question?
Speaker 1:I think that it's a little bit down to. You know, there's people that I suppose just are afraid of things going wrong, whether that's to do like with a kid's party or, you know, friends coming over for dinner. I think some of us are all familiar with various people who you know, for reasons best known to them, they just want everything to be perfect, and it's a kind of it feels like quite a taut piece of material control, but they want to make it perfect for everyone. You know what I mean. They want to make it perfect for everyone. You know what I mean. They want to make it perfect, Hang on.
Speaker 2:You're slightly dancing around to. You know, a perfectionist can actually radiate those demands to everybody else around them. Okay, you know, be it in a home, family, friend situation or at work, I'll share with you and anybody listening to this who's worked with me. There'll be some people who are going to laugh when I use this phrase tippy toe.
Speaker 1:All right yeah.
Speaker 2:There was a time when I had a disproportionate number of clients that were in PR, marketing, that kind of media activity, consultancy work, and it was fascinating to see the over-representation of perfectionists beating themselves up because they're not good enough. Constantly judging, constantly over-revving with the amount of work they contribute or the amount of focus and effort they put in something because it needs to be perfect is a personality. It's when it becomes harmful to you and it's like having a little engine, an extra little engine inside you that just never stops. More, more, better, better. And I call them I used to call them tippy toe girls to themselves, to their faces, that they were on their tippy toes all the time.
Speaker 2:You're like ballerinas on blocks, but ballerinas gets on blocks to do certain movements in certain dances, for certain reasons. Ballerinas are not on blocks all the time yeah, right. Whereas the analogy I would say to these people is that you know you are like a ballerina who is crushing your toes and your feet and everything is bleeding, and there's no reason why you've got to be up on these blocks. You, you can actually come down and be like the rest of us human beings. The issue is, where is the line in this? Yeah, I mean, I think there are some areas where we can all over-ref and have perfectionism. I actually think that stress triggers a lot of perfectionist behaviour and a lot of fear.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So if I look at my own life and I am being quite serious now right as a family unit, there have been many occasions when the pack has turned on me, the pack and said what it's like yeah I'm sitting in my family a pack of rabid dogs. The pack has turned on me because I need the house to be clean. I need it done to that level, yeah, because we've got people coming around, yeah, or because we've got visitors.
Speaker 2:You know that kind of thing all right okay now going back to cleaning well, the truth is, the perfectionism is the perfectionism, and that behavior and that need for everything to be's because of a belief that happened years ago.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:For me, it's about being judged. For me, it's about creating the nicest environment I can for people. With what I have, it's a language of love for me. Yes, I actually get enjoyment out of doing it right Now. That's the other thing about perfectionists it's not always a dark alley of negativity, but you can actually feel an incredible sense of achievement when you do it. The problem is are you reaching success in the way that you want, or is it constantly moving further and further out of your reach? That is when perfectionism becomes a problem. And is it perfectionism that you have a literal control over, or is it perfectionism that you're spilling out to other people?
Speaker 1:Well, that's, I think, where it becomes dangerous, isn't it when it's spilling out to other people? You're putting a whole lot of stress on other people to meet your requirements.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's what's the belief behind those requirements?
Speaker 1:yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think there's a whole load of science and learning as to internal pressures, the judgments and, if indeed you know, are you looking at a genetic predisposition towards it? Are there environmental factors? You know what I mean. It can become a problem if it's affecting your daily life. I remember talking to somebody a few years ago who had been assessed for ADHD as an adult, and that was one of the ways in which their ADHD manifested was their need for perfectionism. Everything had to be right okay and are we.
Speaker 2:You know, when does perfectionism become compulsive, obsessional behavior?
Speaker 2:there are some right you know I'm not a clinical psychologist. It's not for me to go into that. But what I'm saying is that perfectionism can be an acceptable word to describe very, very, very challenging behaviour that, for the person who's displaying it and for people around it, can be really, really hard. And then there are other ways of being a perfectionist. You know that. I don't think it's affected my life. Yeah, maybe you lot have all learned how to clean a bathroom better and go and make your bed and pick up all those bits off the floor. Right, I would argue that actually the pack turns on me because you're reasonably passive, aggressive, all of you, and it's just because you're late.
Speaker 1:Oh, well, we're throwing some digs there.
Speaker 2:But I think that perfectionism can be a really, really, really heavy burden if it's part of your processing on a daily basis that you've got to be perfect all the time.
Speaker 1:It's fear of failure, isn't it?
Speaker 2:It's fear of being judged. It's fear of not doing the very best that you can. And again, you don't have to be a clinical psychologist to unravel that one. Do you? As a child? What were you told? What happened when things weren't wrong? What were you seeing around you, you know? Did you have a mother that was perfectly dressed and organized and had lists and everything was perfect? Yeah, because that's how they controlled their life can you turn it off?
Speaker 1:it's not a case of a switch, I think you you probably need.
Speaker 2:Well, first of all, you have to ascertain whether or not it's challenging your daily life. I probably you know. If somebody was saying to me that it was, I would be suggesting they go and see a clinical psychologist and you probably need some specific, very specialist learning of how to dial it down and how to manage it. Bottom line is, you know, I think there are times in all of our lives when we want something to be perfect yeah, yeah, like, yeah, like weddings and stuff like that, we go perfect when people get completely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know they've lost their minds about those sort of prides, like brides in their own br. Yeah, but it's and may I just say, by the way, this isn't just women.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, men as well.
Speaker 2:There are many, many, many men who also have it. It's not a female bent in any way, shape or form.
Speaker 1:to be honest, it's the reason why I would never film a wedding. The risk factor in terms of delivery, in terms of expectations, is far too high in terms of delivery, in terms of expectations, far too high in terms of financial remuneration.
Speaker 2:So yeah, You've gone down a completely different road. I get your point, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:It's like what I'm trying to say is that it's not a bad thing. Right, there are times when we all have it. We all overrev, wanting something to be perfect and have control over it. Can't be fish back and bosh every time, but it's when, can't it? But there are times when it's not. I hate using the word normal, but do you know what I mean? You're overrevving to a point where it's affecting your mental health and your life energy, and it's certainly affecting the people around you. Yeah, but underlying you know something it is. It is usually stress and fear that drives it.
Speaker 1:Right, well, not the perfect episode, but pretty damn close, and I'm quite comfortable with that.
Speaker 2:Oh you funny man.
Speaker 1:Join us next time on Big Questions. Short Answers with Sian Jacquet and me, andy.
Speaker 2:If you have any questions you want to ask, please send them via the website siansjacquetcom.
Speaker 1:If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 2:We really do appreciate you sharing 15 minutes with us.
Speaker 1:And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to charles website charlesjackaycom. There's a course on values to create life you truly love. I did it and it really does do what it says on the can see you next time.
