Big Questions, Short Answers with Sian Jaquet
(Feat, Andy's unsolicited advice.)
What are the things that make life, relationships, business and the big picture work?
Andy asks Sian, his wife, these big questions. And with a humorous, light-hearted touch, in 10-15 minutes they will discuss the things that really matter and find short answers to bring us all success and happiness.
Sian is a much sought-after international executive coach, board member and keynote speaker who promotes living and working a values-based life to gain happiness and success. Andy is her husband of 35 years, and the ying to her yang, So the conversation is honest, real and funny.
“I hope you'll be entertained. I hope you have a little smile. And I hope every now and again there will be a thought that you refilter in your head and think: Okay, that resonated.” - Sian Jaquet
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love
Big Questions, Short Answers with Sian Jaquet
Big Question | How do you build a committed relationship? Ep 13
Can love alone sustain a lifelong partnership? Hear how we, Sian and Andy, navigated the intricacies of our now 35-plus-year relationship starting with critical, sometimes exhausting, conversations. From the moment Andy proposed, we knew that our journey together would require more than just affection—it called for deliberate discussions on our values, responsibilities, and future plans. We share our story of setting the groundwork for emotional intelligence and mutual understanding, essential elements that have fortified our bond over the decades.
Discover the trials and triumphs of maintaining a meaningful relationship as we recount our experiences dealing with disagreements, life changes, and familial responsibilities. We offer insights on aligning values and beliefs, illustrating our points with real-life examples from our own marriage. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation on the true work behind a lasting partnership, one that goes beyond love to include a deep and ongoing commitment to understanding and growth.
For more content, check out Sian's website sianjaquet.com, and her online course: Create The Life You Truly Love.
www.sianjaquet.com
um, whatever you like, just do what you've got it in right. Welcome to big questions.
Speaker 1:Short answers I'm sean hello, I'm andy sean's husband asking the big life questions and possibly adding a little bit of advice this podcast is brought to you by seanan's value-based online course. Visit shanjackaycom to find out more today. Quite interesting, because I wanted to talk about what was on the telly, and it's about relationships. Married at first sight? No, no, but the only crude, the only thing about that was about developing a relationship. Why are you looking at me like that? Just?
Speaker 2:the very name of the television programme makes my toes crawl.
Speaker 1:But one of the things they do. They ask each other questions and it's all compressed into an afternoon or something like that. But that's something that we did, didn't we? You were comparing our relationship.
Speaker 1:Not much, it's pretty much to be like you are, but in terms of a process, in terms of getting a relationship right, what they're talking about is that they're asking each other some quite challenging questions. Yeah, you've got your hands in your face. That's not good, but just talking about getting to understand your partner. I think that's what we're talking about. When I've got myself sorted yeah, we've got there eventually.
Speaker 2:Um, please don't ever use money to first sight as any analogy in my life in any way, shape, shape or form, because that took a sharp right turn. Okay, what I think I'm hearing you say, what you're asking me is to share what happened to us.
Speaker 1:In terms of building a relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you asked me to marry you 35, 6, 7 years ago, I don't know somewhere, somehow, I don't know, it was the end of September and I we won't go into the details of that, because that in itself is a three ring opera performance but what I remember saying to you is yes, andy, I will marry you, yes, I love you. But before we make this commitment, we need to have some very real conversations about some fundamentals of our future. Now, 30 odd years ago, I mean, I was in my what?
Speaker 1:Twenties.
Speaker 2:Late twenties, yeah, Middle twenties, late twenties. How old was I? I don't know. Middle twenties, middle twenties, I didn't.
Speaker 1:You're quite smart.
Speaker 2:Well, it was instinct rather than intellect, to be very clear here, right, and it was learning of what I had seen and observed of life even then, and we spent the better part of I think it was nearly a month, but it was certainly three weeks. We agreed that both of us although I ended up doing the lion's share of it, and that's not a criticism, by the way, because I was driven by it that I would put together a set of questions and every evening you'd come home from work, I'd come, whatever, whatever, we'd have dinner and we sat and we talked about these questions because I believed and you engaged with it that we needed to have a discussion about things that were possibly gonna happen in our lives right, it used to make me feel very tired.
Speaker 2:Yes, I know you did and even need to sit down and talk, and you know it was like giving you a sedative um I wanted to engage, but it was it was a sword work yeah because it was part of your brain muscles that you'd never used.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, and what we were actually doing was putting this relationship on a train track of emotional intelligence, that we were going to use our emotions and we were going to use our values and beliefs in a way that supported who we were. So we walked into it with a realistic view of who I was going to spend my life with, because loving you was the easy bit and I know liking you when I didn't agree with you or when you didn't agree with me, and that's the very basic. You have to find a way of making that work. So, for instance, one of the questions we I remember having a whole evening about this was well, okay, you know, get on, our parents get older and is there a set of circumstances where we become responsible for our parents and they come and live with us? Yes, is that because, in your cultural background, to a point that was expected.
Speaker 1:And at that stage we were living in the same country.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we had a very robust conversation about the chances of me actually living in a house with your mum and dad. Very damn robust, right.
Speaker 1:People who'd bought tickets for that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that we needed a conversation about what could we do. What would we do Now? It didn't necessarily mean we were signing some kind of contract and I've made that decision, but it was about talking about how we felt, about where our responsibilities began and ended. And, more to the point, I can remember in that conversation taking it even to the when we didn't have children then but kind of saying, well, look, you know, if we have children, what is our expectation of them?
Speaker 1:I'm moving in With no men.
Speaker 2:No, because behind your back I say to all of them, if I go first, don't ever let your father inveigle you into going to live in his house. No, I don't say that. No, I do say that I think one of them might have me. I think they'd all love you for entertainment for two days a week, but just not seven. Am I going all over the place?
Speaker 1:here. No, no, but what we're talking about, I suppose. What I ask you about is, I suppose, in terms of a relationship, you know, because relationships go through fricking rocky times, you know it. Relationships go through freaking rocky times, you know, it doesn't matter what relationship and for however long they last. You know, and ours has been fortunate to last quite a long time. I suppose I valued that, even though I kept falling asleep because they were like difficult, but I valued that because that has sustained the relationship it's a reflection of that phrase that you get to decide where the bar is or the bar the bar of a relationship the bar, the bar, the bar.
Speaker 1:Our friends know about the bar. How high is the bar?
Speaker 2:the bar is as high as you choose your relationship to be, and that's based on values and that's based on the vision of who and what you choose to be. And I believe, to a greater extent, that you and I decided that the bar was quite high. The values and the beliefs. Well, I couldn't help it, because it takes two people to hold the bar each end. It's not about me just standing in the middle holding it, and that again is a metaphor for relationships. You know the people who want a good relationship or want something, and they stand in the middle holding it. Yeah, and that again is a metaphor for relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know the people who who want a good relationship or want something, and they stand in the middle and they're holding the bar, and then they on their own buckle, yeah I'm holding one end, you're holding the other, and there are times when yours slips down, yeah, and there are the times when I've slightly lowered mine to make it easy for both of us, because we both need a bit of a rest, yeah, but then it's. But what is the bar lowered for? In our relationship, the bar was never, ever lowered for things like loyalty.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Fidelity was very, very.
Speaker 2:That was non-negotiable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was a black line.
Speaker 2:Don't do sharing. Yeah yeah, right, not a black line. Do not use the word black in those terms. It's a hard line, a hard line. Thank you Right, it could have been a white line. It could have been a red line.
Speaker 1:But there's a black line. It could have been a green line. It's a piece of paper. Stop it.
Speaker 2:Just accept that you have to learn to change how you say certain things Okay Right, not everything, just as certain things, and don't be an old git that holds on to it just because she can.
Speaker 1:Okay, right, okay, a hard line.
Speaker 2:Coming back to the bar, right, yeah, that is how we have survived this marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when the bar slightly dips, it's because one or other of us acknowledges that the other isn't necessarily at their best, yeah, that they're not confident, that physically, emotionally, life pressure, whatever it is we now do it instinctively, but in the beginning we had to learn how to do that. Yeah, do you remember the times when we were going through really tough times Little children, whatever, money, everything Right, and there were probably more than two, several probably isn't too overstating it when there were moments and days when I would actually say to you stop, we have to prioritize each other. Now we've got to stop and we have got to talk, and it doesn't matter what commitments we've got, because, but we also going to fall off what is important in our life if we don't do this. And I literally remember you picking up the phone to your boss, big boss. We're still friends with him today and he remembers it because I've chatted to him about it. Not that long ago, when you picked up the phone, you said look, sian and I are in a bad space.
Speaker 1:I need now some time to just we've got some serious stuff and you do have to prioritise that because that's an element.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was ready to go and speak to a lawyer, I was ready to say I ain't doing this anymore, and we were both incredibly unhappy and hurting. And so that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that you, we, we had the confidence to say nothing is more important than this relationship, and there is, at this moment, a crisis, right, yeah, now I'm not suggesting everybody phone their boss and say I'm not coming into work because I'm rowing with my partner, um, but there is a space where it is okay, or it's got to be okay, isn't it, to put your hand up and find your voice to say I'm in trouble and I need to focus on this problem now?
Speaker 1:yeah, there's a relationship, relationship. I, you know, the most significant thing that you do is when you're alive. From my perspective, I mean some people maybe live independent lives or the rest of it you know, it's an important part of my life, your life, and if you're not prioritizing it I mean even to the point as part of the early conversations, you know, as lovely as it is to have kids we prioritise our relationship Because if we're not together, then the kids.
Speaker 2:Well, again, I mean, you were there. You were there how many times in social environments, whatever people talk about kids, like you do, and I would say, well, first of all, we referred to them as the squatters, but we'd signed up to look after them until we were 18. Well, how bad were we wrong with that? However, my point being that we would literally say that, as far as the order of priority, you and I come first and the children come second, and I still actually believe that because, if we are the providers of that emotional, financial and every other kind of stability and to be the parents we chose to be in the world that we lived in because that, again, is all relative we needed that yeah, I mean we'll wind up a little bit now, but it's about prioritizing, isn't it?
Speaker 1:and it's about focusing on, as you said, setting the bar at a certain rate, um, and prioritizing. And you know, asking the hard questions because they're going to come across you, aren't they at some stage? Maybe, maybe not, but at least you get an understanding of who you're dealing with oh, let's just deal with one thing you've just said now.
Speaker 2:But nobody gets through life without facing serious challenges and again, they're all relative to how robust and how prepared you are to deal with life events. But yet, and if you choose to do it in a partnership, okay, let's wrap it up with a truth that I hope you know. This is the umbrella, and maybe we need to print it like this a third of it is love, a third of it is shared values and a third of it it's a shared vision. And if you consistently work on that in your relationship because love, do not rely on it. Yeah, oh, I love them, as you know. I collect them, um, and, and I love being in love, but it's a very dangerous road to put your hat of your future and commitment and confidence in a lifetime relationship. Just on love, because I don't mean to upset you after all these shows, but i've've fallen in love several times before I met you. Oh, yes, you know, if that was it, I'd have been married several times.
Speaker 1:I think we'd better leave it there. Join us next time on Big Questions Short Answers with Sian Jacquet and me, andy.
Speaker 2:If you have any questions you want to ask, please send them via the website. Sianjacquet and me. Andy. If you have any questions you want to ask, please send them via the website sianjacquetcom.
Speaker 1:If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and share it with everyone you know.
Speaker 2:We really do appreciate you sharing 15 minutes with us.
Speaker 1:And if you want to do a bit more learning, go on to Sian's website sianjacquetcom. There's a course on values to create the life you truly love. I did it and it really does do what it says on the can.
Speaker 2:See you next time.
